A collection of words that have affected me in some manner.
I believe you'll enjoy them too.


Dear dogs, 

While you know I love you dearly, there are a couple of things that have been bothering me lately. I thought it might help me to get them off my chest. While I have tried to talk to you about it, you seem to miss the point. I thought perhaps a letter might lend it more weight. 

1. Feeding time. I feed you adequate amounts of food, and moreover, do so every day, consistently. I would appreciate it if you would limit your enthusiasm at my every movement prior to 7:00 am and until after 10:00 pm. If I roll over in bed, this does not necessarily mean I am getting up to feed you. In the same way, shifting my position on the couch at night does not mean I am getting up to feed you. Also, I am grouchy in the morning when I get up. I would appreciate if if when I shower you not wait at attention at the bathroom door. Please wait until after I have had my coffee. I promise, I won't forget to feed you. I know I did that once, but that was over 10 years ago and I would appreciate it if you would take into account my exemplary performance since that time. 

2. Taking poops. In the mornings, I don't think that you need to take 20 minutes to sniff and snort at every inch of grass on our small patch of lawn. Let me point out that you poop there twice a day, every day. Over the course of a month, that's 60 poops each. I'm sure that if you somehow miss taking a dump on the absolutely perfect patch of grass, that you can try to hit it up the next day. Additionally, as I am the one who cleans it up, I can virtually guarantee you that you have pooped, at some point or another, on every available inch of grass on that lawn. 

3. Medical issues. You are taking advantage of me. I would like to point out, with respect to #2 above, that I would be much harsher with discipline in this area if it weren't for Molly's new incontinence problem Not only did I have to take you, Molly, to the vet as you dribbled out urine in the reception area, I had to buy your medicine from a human pharmacist who I suspect didn't believe me when I said the medicine was for my dog. Somewhere, there is a computer record of my name and a prescription for incontinence medication, all for your sake. So, just because I now feel obligated to wait and make sure you both squeeze every drop of urine out, doesn't mean that you need to take advantage of me by taking 20 minutes to find the right spot. 

4. The cat. There are a few issues with the cat. First off, I don't think the cat terribly appreciates it when you sniff her butt. I realize that this is a time-honoured canine ritual, but I would like to point out that the cat is not a dog, and therefore does not especially like having her butt sniffed vigorously by two 60 pound dogs. I think I speak for her when I say that lifting both her hind legs in the air as you shove your snouts in her private regions is just plain rude. Second, the litter box is her domain, not yours, and (I speak to you particularly here Emma), you should not be trying to eat her shit. As mentioned in #1, I feed you adequate amounts of food and there is no need to supplement your diet with tasty feline nuggets. I would like to point out that the jar of dog biscuits is for that purpose, and if you behaved properly more often, you might get more of those. 

5. Grooming. You both shed enormous amounts of fur. I would very much appreciate if it, when I am brushing you, you not flop over immediately on your bellies. I realize that you like belly rubs, however, the fur on your back, neck and haunches is where the action is, fur-wise, and where I would like to concentrate my efforts. Additionally, when I bathe you, it would be nice if you stood somewhat still, and didn't target your shakes at me. I think it would be just peachy if you would shake yourself off at some distance, instead of following me around as soon as I put down the hose and waiting until you are close to me to shake off. 

6. Ass-licking. I realize that it is in your nature to lick your butts. I am not asking you to abstain. I would, however, appreciate some consideration in this area. Please limit your butt-licking to the hours in which I am not home. If you absolutely feel the need to lick your ass when I'm home, please do so quietly. No slurping. Furthermore, do not expect to lick me after doing so. I will require a 30 minute time window before I will feel like petting you again. 

7. Nose shoving. When you want to get petted, it is more than adequate to sit on the ground next to me, make eye contact, and wag your tail expectantly. I can understand this. If I do not pet you, it is usually because I am involved with something else. It is not necessary to shove your nose under my hand in an attempt to get my attention, and in fact, this usually goes badly. Take a moment here and consider yesterday morning's coffee incident. This type of thing happens far too often and it must stop. 

8. Greetings. I have noticed that when I get home from work, you rarely bother to get up from your pillows. While I appreciate the reclining tail thumps, it does hurt my feelings that I don't get more of a welcome home. This would not be so distressing if it were not for the fact that whenever guests come over, you greet them with unbridled enthusiasm. Why don't I deserve the same, after all I do for you? 

I hope, dear dogs, that you will take the following under consideration. 


Your loving owner 


Noted Judge.................He put up our dog 
Respected Judge.............He put up our dog twice 
Esteemed Judge..............He puts up anything that crawls 
Shown sparingly............ Only when we had it in the bag 
Show Prospect...............He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 tail 
Finished in 5 shows.........And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon 
He has good points..........His head is shaped like a carrot 
Won in heavy competition....The others were revoltingly overweight 
Multiple group winner....... at 2 puppy matches 
Specialist Judge............Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding. 
Well balanced...............Straight as a stick, front and rear 
Quiet Gentle natured........after 4 valiums 
Excels in type and style....However, moves like a spider on speed 
Personality Plus........... Wakes up if you put liver up his nose. 
Large boned................ Looks like a Clydesdale 
Good Bite.................. Missed the judge, got the steward. 
Lovely head.................2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 mouth, 1 nose 
Excels in movement..........If he gets loose, put on your running shoes 
Gorgeous coat...............if the hairspray lasts until the class finishes 
Handled brilliantly by......Nobody else can get near him 
Won in stiff competition....beat 4 puppies and a 9 year old novice dog 
At stud to approved bitches. Those bitches whose owners check is "approved" by our bank 
Champion Line bred ......... Ch. Whoozitz appears twice in 6th generation 
Good obedience prospect.....Smart enough to come in from the rain but he's UG-LEEEE 
Terrific brood bitch........Her conformation is the pits, but she throws big litters 
Great stud dog..............Mounts anything that can fog a mirror 
Loves children............. for breakfast, lunch and dinner 
Wins another Best in Show...His second, under the same judge, our uncle. 

(Author unknown) 


This morning, I woke up and kissed my Dad's head
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great"
Then I thought about breakfast, "I hope it's not late"

Mom took me outside, we walked for a while
This never fails to make Mama smile
I sniffed at everything that we did pass
I ate something weird and it gave me gas

I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true
He gave me so many great things to chew
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care
What I truly like best is Dad's underwear

That Obedience book was sort of yummy
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy
I threw up a bit but that was all right,
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight

I made streamers of T. P. while running at full speed
Mom is pretty quick but I was still in the lead
I flew under the bed and Mom flew past
She stopped and shook her head and breathed
"You're too fast"

Mama later phoned Daddy and said, "it was frightening!"
That afternoon she was sure I'd pooped lightning
She sat at the computer while I chewed the cord
She thought I was mad but I was just bored

When Mama had enough and couldn't take anymore
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door
I love it inside but outside is best
Lay in the cool grass and had a good rest

That didn't last long as there was too much to do
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe
I found an old bone and scratched at a flea
I watched the dumb Squirrels as they jumped in a tree

I barked at the kids when they got off the bus
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "Come In"

The Sun Dipped In The West, Soon Daddy Would Come!
I sure love my Daddy, we always have fun
I barked at my Daddy and then turned on my charms
I woof woofed, "hello," then jumped in his arms

Sitting under the table, it's sooooo hard to wait
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate
I raced through the house and scattered my toys
Ricocheted off the furniture and made lots of noise

Mom found her purse, the one I had abused
Daddy let loose a chuckle
Mom asked "are you amused?"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble
Dad said, "wasn't my boy, it must be his double!"

Mom turned off the TV and said, "it's time for bed"
Dad said "let's go boy" and patted my head
I got in my spot between Mom and Dad
I thought about my day and what fun that I had

Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below
Then let loose a sigh, a sigh deep and low
She gave me a kiss and snuggled me tight
And whispered so softly, "my darling, good night"

Author Unknown

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